Its been a while!

Ups and down, now diabetic and menopausal so THAT'S heaps of fun.

Got 2 kittens, lost one (we think run over) - Kale is so missed.  But that wasnt enough to prompt me to write.  It was the collar.

I love Tim - not really knowing "love" (ha, esp after my gaydar was definitely proved broken by my first husband) but I miss him when he is not in the room with me: I dont want anything from him, even though he makes my life so much easier with everything he does. And I married him in spite of the evil first experience I had and the fact he had kids.  I still don't know why he thinks I'm any kind of use in the sphere of marriage or household - hell, the family that abandoned me (hi Bell household, hope you're all dead!) could tell him that. But we did and we have and we are.

We decided to collar me to him - and I hoped and I loved it. Then I realised that he is a dad - and will forever be a dad - I panicked: I can't come second, not in this.  Every single partner I have had has put me second at some point - I dont know if this is how relationships are supposed to work as I know I feel very black and white in a world of gray and red.  But when I put someone first, they stay first.

Oh don't get me wrong - I'm self indulgent, hedonistic and usually confused as a rule. If I could stand on a moral hill, I would - I can't.  I have broken 9 of the 10 commandments and no, its nothing to be anything but totally ashamed about.  And I'd rather be damned than ask absolution from the Universe who, quite frankly, doesn't give a shit.

He has manipulated me - more than I've caught, probably - and mostly for my own good, it seems.  So, meh. Him in my life is better than my life without him.  But I will not be second when collared.  Maybe the BDSM world is mostly fantasy and you can't have an abeyance of control and its all smoke up our collective arses - but no, I will keep something that is sacred.

A recent diagnosis of ADHD has explained a lot although hardly helped or solved anything. NHS dragging their feet although will I want drugs on top of all the drugs I'm taking? I remember thinking when I was young and lot more stupid that if I took daily drugs I should just let go of life and start again - but it gets harder the more you enjoy life and the older you get the more you want to hold on. 

And what will happen to Spook?  I used to be horrified with the stories of those who wanted their pets put down and yes - the arrogance - but ... to make sure they aren't mistreated/tortured when you aren't there?

Being unemployed doesn't help. hope to get some work but 3rd interview scheduled for next week. 

Where, in this century, have I truly begun?

I was born afraid. And then a friend.

The friendship I had to learn, through trial

and every salt whisker of water, disappearing.

Loss made me, iron-hot, shaped me.

Without this ember grief, only burnished

light remains. Snowless.

In the great room of many volatile gods

where I keep burning. Hot grass.

Absence of trees. In which a world keeps noxiously turning

for the survival of what?     Gives loss its feral name.

Define allegiance. Against the frame.

Who will love me when I am at last

ungovernable?     Answers the underground.

When I say I love you,

I mean before the conflagration of gods, their cruelty,

there is a door ablaze. I walk through.

All my life. Unceremonious, the morbid temperature

of a year. And then another. In the land of despite, despite.

Let us fortify our rage. Incandescent.

Beneath the countenance of despair,

you hold my face, holding me.

You have kept me. So, I am alive.

So you know how it ends.

To hear the wedding of the bees.