On Growing Old

John Masefield

Be with me, Beauty, for the fire is dying;

My dog and I are old, too old for roving.

Man, whose young passion sets the spindrift flying,

Is soon too lame to march, too cold for loving.

I take the book and gather to the fire,

Turning old yellow leaves; minute by minute

The clock ticks to my heart. A withered wire,

Moves a thin ghost of music in the spinet.

I cannot sail your seas, I cannot wander

Your cornland, nor your hill-land, nor your valleys

Ever again, nor share the battle yonder

Where the young knight the broken squadron rallies.

Only stay quiet while my mind remembers

The beauty of fire from the beauty of embers.

Beauty, have pity! for the strong have power,

The rich their wealth, the beautiful their grace,

Summer of man its sunlight and its flower,

Spring-time of man all April in a face.

Only, as in the jostling in the Strand,

Where the mob thrusts or loiters or is loud,

The beggar with the saucer in his hand

Asks only a penny from the passing crowd,

So, from this glittering world with all its fashion,

Its fire, and play of men, its stir, its march,

Let me have wisdom, Beauty, wisdom and passion,

Bread to the soul, rain where the summers parch.

Give me but these, and, though the darkness close,

Even the night will blossom as the rose.

 Its been a while!

Ups and down, now diabetic and menopausal so THAT'S heaps of fun.

Got 2 kittens, lost one (we think run over) - Kale is so missed.  But that wasnt enough to prompt me to write.  It was the collar.

I love Tim - not really knowing "love" (ha, esp after my gaydar was definitely proved broken by my first husband) but I miss him when he is not in the room with me: I dont want anything from him, even though he makes my life so much easier with everything he does. And I married him in spite of the evil first experience I had and the fact he had kids.  I still don't know why he thinks I'm any kind of use in the sphere of marriage or household - hell, the family that abandoned me (hi Bell household, hope you're all dead!) could tell him that. But we did and we have and we are.

We decided to collar me to him - and I hoped and I loved it. Then I realised that he is a dad - and will forever be a dad - I panicked: I can't come second, not in this.  Every single partner I have had has put me second at some point - I dont know if this is how relationships are supposed to work as I know I feel very black and white in a world of gray and red.  But when I put someone first, they stay first.

Oh don't get me wrong - I'm self indulgent, hedonistic and usually confused as a rule. If I could stand on a moral hill, I would - I can't.  I have broken 9 of the 10 commandments and no, its nothing to be anything but totally ashamed about.  And I'd rather be damned than ask absolution from the Universe who, quite frankly, doesn't give a shit.

He has manipulated me - more than I've caught, probably - and mostly for my own good, it seems.  So, meh. Him in my life is better than my life without him.  But I will not be second when collared.  Maybe the BDSM world is mostly fantasy and you can't have an abeyance of control and its all smoke up our collective arses - but no, I will keep something that is sacred.

A recent diagnosis of ADHD has explained a lot although hardly helped or solved anything. NHS dragging their feet although will I want drugs on top of all the drugs I'm taking? I remember thinking when I was young and lot more stupid that if I took daily drugs I should just let go of life and start again - but it gets harder the more you enjoy life and the older you get the more you want to hold on. 

And what will happen to Spook?  I used to be horrified with the stories of those who wanted their pets put down and yes - the arrogance - but ... to make sure they aren't mistreated/tortured when you aren't there?

Being unemployed doesn't help. hope to get some work but 3rd interview scheduled for next week. 

Where, in this century, have I truly begun?

I was born afraid. And then a friend.

The friendship I had to learn, through trial

and every salt whisker of water, disappearing.

Loss made me, iron-hot, shaped me.

Without this ember grief, only burnished

light remains. Snowless.

In the great room of many volatile gods

where I keep burning. Hot grass.

Absence of trees. In which a world keeps noxiously turning

for the survival of what?     Gives loss its feral name.

Define allegiance. Against the frame.

Who will love me when I am at last

ungovernable?     Answers the underground.

When I say I love you,

I mean before the conflagration of gods, their cruelty,

there is a door ablaze. I walk through.

All my life. Unceremonious, the morbid temperature

of a year. And then another. In the land of despite, despite.

Let us fortify our rage. Incandescent.

Beneath the countenance of despair,

you hold my face, holding me.

You have kept me. So, I am alive.

So you know how it ends.

To hear the wedding of the bees.

One Day at a time seems very long

 I'm struggling. And I shouldn't be.

I saw a video of a kitten that some douchebag decided to pour molten resin over. Miraculously missed the eyes, but got the mouth tail and 4 legs. Angels decontaminated him and he is recovering; but just - how can people be this low? And then I realise although its a "happy" ending I can't stop crying over it. And I think some of it is the realisation that nasty people seem to thrive - my ex, my husband's ex - morally corrupt liars and they are happy and thriving after stealing money and time from (I like to think) morally nice people. Good thing I believe in karma - they'll burn for what they did.

So, I realise I am in a funk.

I can't save money. I hate my health but do nothing about it. My job isn't very challenging and yet I still manage to fuck it up. I'm incredibly selfish and expect drinks to be served but don't offer in return, when he is tired and in pain and never complains. 

I just don't feel very functional. 

I don't want to be vanilla and that's all my life is; even then, no sex for ages. That is a half truth. Sex we have is good - just not as earth rocking as it used to be and isn't that normal for aging humans? And who am I to know what not vanilla even looks like any more? between abusive exes and the good old catholic indoctrination, I don't what I like. And what I DO know I like, I don't tell as its not socially acceptable.

I'm failing and I just want to die but won't give anyone that satisfaction or trauma.  I don't think my sister knows how many times she has saved my life.

Why is it so difficult? I have a fantastic life by most people's standards. And we are happy together.

2022

 A few thoughts, as I feel like a new Squid.

Age sucks but has its compensation. I would prefer more things work, however.

I think I am finally over that disastrous first match, although, dear Augustus, you did try and warn me. Collating a wedding with four birthdays "to save money". Sheesh. And just downhill from there!  Oh my tentacles were inky with woe and recriminations I hasten to pen, my roman friend! But...I never lied. May the Book of the Dead, say that if naught else.

I never paid for company, pretended to be Alpha, or straight for that matter. Should I tell him that Simon of Africa wants a rematch? Perhaps for a fee :laughing: His mouth was useful, who would have assayed _that_ bet!

My new life, you prod me! Well, I am truly a worshipper of Hesta now, and no sharp jocularity from you, m'dear Lord! I like being domestic but it took an Alpha to do it. And still keen to read your missive on love and it's calibration if I may prod in return! Is it that would do things to make their life easier, and not count it tedious? Vexing in others, is charming in him. And struggle (as is my wont) on the terror if death *would* part us, the pain and rage would split the world.

I struggle with self worth. But that is past males (and two Sappho's of passing grief). Some of it is chemical so I comfort the self that I would have been kinder if the hand dealt was in a better position. Could have been worse my purple-dove. So much!