I'm struggling. And I shouldn't be.
I saw a video of a kitten that some douchebag decided to pour molten resin over. Miraculously missed the eyes, but got the mouth tail and 4 legs. Angels decontaminated him and he is recovering; but just - how can people be this low? And then I realise although its a "happy" ending I can't stop crying over it. And I think some of it is the realisation that nasty people seem to thrive - my ex, my husband's ex - morally corrupt liars and they are happy and thriving after stealing money and time from (I like to think) morally nice people. Good thing I believe in karma - they'll burn for what they did.
So, I realise I am in a funk.
I can't save money. I hate my health but do nothing about it. My job isn't very challenging and yet I still manage to fuck it up. I'm incredibly selfish and expect drinks to be served but don't offer in return, when he is tired and in pain and never complains.
I just don't feel very functional.
I don't want to be vanilla and that's all my life is; even then, no sex for ages. That is a half truth. Sex we have is good - just not as earth rocking as it used to be and isn't that normal for aging humans? And who am I to know what not vanilla even looks like any more? between abusive exes and the good old catholic indoctrination, I don't what I like. And what I DO know I like, I don't tell as its not socially acceptable.
I'm failing and I just want to die but won't give anyone that satisfaction or trauma. I don't think my sister knows how many times she has saved my life.
Why is it so difficult? I have a fantastic life by most people's standards. And we are happy together.
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