One Day at a time seems very long

 I'm struggling. And I shouldn't be.

I saw a video of a kitten that some douchebag decided to pour molten resin over. Miraculously missed the eyes, but got the mouth tail and 4 legs. Angels decontaminated him and he is recovering; but just - how can people be this low? And then I realise although its a "happy" ending I can't stop crying over it. And I think some of it is the realisation that nasty people seem to thrive - my ex, my husband's ex - morally corrupt liars and they are happy and thriving after stealing money and time from (I like to think) morally nice people. Good thing I believe in karma - they'll burn for what they did.

So, I realise I am in a funk.

I can't save money. I hate my health but do nothing about it. My job isn't very challenging and yet I still manage to fuck it up. I'm incredibly selfish and expect drinks to be served but don't offer in return, when he is tired and in pain and never complains. 

I just don't feel very functional. 

I don't want to be vanilla and that's all my life is; even then, no sex for ages. That is a half truth. Sex we have is good - just not as earth rocking as it used to be and isn't that normal for aging humans? And who am I to know what not vanilla even looks like any more? between abusive exes and the good old catholic indoctrination, I don't what I like. And what I DO know I like, I don't tell as its not socially acceptable.

I'm failing and I just want to die but won't give anyone that satisfaction or trauma.  I don't think my sister knows how many times she has saved my life.

Why is it so difficult? I have a fantastic life by most people's standards. And we are happy together.

2022

 A few thoughts, as I feel like a new Squid.

Age sucks but has its compensation. I would prefer more things work, however.

I think I am finally over that disastrous first match, although, dear Augustus, you did try and warn me. Collating a wedding with four birthdays "to save money". Sheesh. And just downhill from there!  Oh my tentacles were inky with woe and recriminations I hasten to pen, my roman friend! But...I never lied. May the Book of the Dead, say that if naught else.

I never paid for company, pretended to be Alpha, or straight for that matter. Should I tell him that Simon of Africa wants a rematch? Perhaps for a fee :laughing: His mouth was useful, who would have assayed _that_ bet!

My new life, you prod me! Well, I am truly a worshipper of Hesta now, and no sharp jocularity from you, m'dear Lord! I like being domestic but it took an Alpha to do it. And still keen to read your missive on love and it's calibration if I may prod in return! Is it that would do things to make their life easier, and not count it tedious? Vexing in others, is charming in him. And struggle (as is my wont) on the terror if death *would* part us, the pain and rage would split the world.

I struggle with self worth. But that is past males (and two Sappho's of passing grief). Some of it is chemical so I comfort the self that I would have been kinder if the hand dealt was in a better position. Could have been worse my purple-dove. So much!